MY DREAM FOR AUSTRALIA

I have a dream that our children will be able to walk the streets of our cities without fear of alcohol fueled violence.

I have a dream that people who perpetuate heinous crimes are locked away forever , so that they cannot repeat these despicable acts.

I have a dream Australians will welcome people from war torn countries and allow them to become the valuable members of our society that they deserve to be, instead of locking them away in detention centres.

I have a dream where in Australia two people who love each other can be married , irrespective of their sex. Love is not discrimitary . Love can conquer all.

I have a dream of a world where we are all kinder to ourselves, and each and every one of us love our bodies and minds for what they are. A treasure trove of beauty and knowledge.

BEING ANOREXIC

This blog is one I thought seriously about before posting. I wasn't sure if I wanted it put out there. I decided though, being anorexic was not something to be ashamed of, it was and always will be a part of me. I was 18 when I developed anorexia and had just left home. Anorexia was only just being acknowledged and taken seriously as a disease. This is my account of having anorexia and learning to live with it over time.


 MY LIFE AS AN ANOREXIC

The euphoria that I felt after I had not eaten for several hours overwhelmed me. I refused to succumb to the hunger pains. My brain told me I must eat. Everything I felt was so surreal that I had difficulty separating fact from fiction. I was such a control freak that when I was unable to control my body weight, I was sent over the edge. My sole ambition in life was to be forever thin. The admiration I received from others with every kilogram I lost pushed me to pursue continual weight loss.

I felt a perpetual need to keep losing weight, to not do so was equal to failure. I was in my own mind, pathetic. While there were millions of people starving around the world, I saw my world crumbling because I had put on a kilo!  Only a fellow anorexic could understand the calamity of gaining so much as a gram of weight. Only a fellow anorexic would feel the joy of getting through the day eating only an apple.

Devising ways to avoid eating meals becomes a way of life for an anorexic. Eating out at restaurants and visiting friends becomes a constant nightmare. Fooling people into thinking that you have eaten is a talent only serious anorexics master. An anorexic can go for years without being discovered.

This was my life as an eighteen year old. Being an anorexic is similar to being an alcoholic. there is no cure. A person who is anorexic has to want to follow a road to recovery. They do not want to be kicked along by well meaning people. These people think they know who you are, what you feel, but they have not even glimpsed the complex make-up of an anorexics mind.

Psychologists categorise anorexics. They believe anorexics are high achievers who are pushed by their parents to achieve perfection.  My parents had never made me feel the need to be perfect. I was just an average girl, who, as an overweight child, was continually chided and teased by other children for being fat. Instead of living life as a misfit, I decided to conform to society’s ideals. So I dieted. This was the beginning of my trip down the road to destruction. Each kilo I lost was greeted with a pat on the back from others. This adulation gave me a sense of satisfaction and worthiness.

The anorexic mentality is always within easy reach. As I said before, there is no cure for anorexia, just careful management to keep it in line. It has been many years since being thin was the most important thing in my life. To this day my brain calculates calories. I still get an adrenaline rush every time I lose a kilo. I was lucky, maturity set in. The responsibility of having children has prevented me from falling back into the anorexic routine of missing meals and sticking my finger down my throat to make myself vomit. I still feel guilty when I eat foods high in calories. The days that show a weight gain on the scales are the days I act as if I have a personality disorder. I am irritable and hard to get along with on these days. Seeing protruding bones when I look in mirror would still give me a buzz. Anorexia will always be present within me. It will always be a part of my psyche.

OBITUARY TO A FAMILY FRIEND... R.I.P RED LASER

Last night someone stole our car. It was an old car, 22 years old. The paint was weathered, the radio didn't work and if you wanted to stay cool in summer you would wind down the windows. Oh, that's right you couldn't do that either as the window handles had fallen off.

My fondness for this car was its history. We reduced the size of our car when we thought we would not be having more children. Within four weeks of going into debt to purchase our brand new SMALL car, we were to find out we were expecting twins.  We made many trips to Sydney for pre natal tests in this car. To this day the smell of a new car reminds me of this time. We drove to the hospital on the morning of the twins birth in our lovely car, the anticipation and excitement we felt by far underestimated how much our life was about to change. A week later we drove home with trepidation and two precious little people in the back seat. Three small bodies huddled lovingly together in the back seat of that car for many a kilometre and many a year.

The laser has taken us to places far, far away over the years. It drove the grand prix circuit on the Gold Coast on our first big holiday with the twins. During  our 18 months in Melbourne it made many trips back to Wollongong to relieve the home sickness of family members. I don't think a GPS was needed, it drove on auto pilot.

The lasers camping expeditions are legendary. Having no trailer we had to squeeze all our camping gear into its petite interior. It seemed to be a bottomless pit. Nicknamed "The Tardis" for its appearance of being small on the outside and huge on the inside, every oriface was filled with camping gear. I travelled with my knees digging into my chin, food at my feet on more than one occasion.. When we arrived at our camp site and opened the doors, every item in the car jumped out and sprung into place.

The laser turned over 300,000km on the clock recently with the same engine it was born with. It is a shame the same could not be said of its exterior. Between my driving ( "I had a tumour") and Tims inexperience, nearly all exterior panels had been replaced at some stage of its long life. It held no grudges and never complained, I could drive around for days with the petrol gauge on empty and would never run out of petrol. It loved us just as we loved it.

Maybe I romanticise this little red car, but there is no doubt in my mind that this car had a heart. We bought two of our babies home from hospital in it. Those babies grew up and learnt to drive in it and subsequently went for their driving tests, comfortable in the seat of an old friend. In recent years it has hit a deer, lost its bumper bar doing 100km an hour on the freeway and run up the back of a Camry. It is now time for it to rest.

It is fitting that "The Tardis" went out with a bang. Written off after being used as a getaway car in a robbery. R.I.P oh red one. You will be missed, and always remember: Red cars go Faster...........

A MORNING EPIPHANY

As I lay in bed this morning it went through my mind"What reasons do I have to get out of bed today?"
and do you know what? I could not think of one single reason. Now I am not writing this for sympathy, or advice. I am a great believer that life is what you make it. Having something to get up for in the mornings is in most cases completely up to oneself.

We all need something to get out of bed for in the mornings. Whether it be children, a job, school or a challenge. What if we have none of these in our lives? This was me this morning. Lack of direction, lack of motivation , but most of all there was this "I need to do better" thread weaving its way through my head. I need to FIND direction and a fulfilling goal , and follow it through. Finding purpose in life is not an easy task, especially seeing as I am not particularly unhappy, just unfulfilled.

I am the first to admit I am mentally lazy. To finish something  I need a deadline. Without this I will neither start, nor complete a project. I need a "Rest of my Life"plan, but what I really want is someone to plan it for me. Is there such a thing as a life planner? A person who will come into my life, ask all the appropriate questions and come back the next day with a plan.. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

So here I am at the crossroad of my life. Having to decide what road to take. What a conundrum.

Several seeds are planted in my head right now. Follow through with my passion for writing and go to university to study journalism. Put my excellent organisational skills to use and go back to work as a receptionist, or perhaps volunteer my time to helping those less fortunate than myself. Whatever I decide, I did get up this morning. I am taking control of my life, and whatever path I do decide to follow the journey to where it leads will be an adventure.