MY LIFE AS AN ANOREXIC
The euphoria that I felt after I had not eaten for several hours overwhelmed me. I refused to succumb to the hunger pains. My brain told me I must eat. Everything I felt was so surreal that I had difficulty separating fact from fiction. I was such a control freak that when I was unable to control my body weight, I was sent over the edge. My sole ambition in life was to be forever thin. The admiration I received from others with every kilogram I lost pushed me to pursue continual weight loss.
I felt a perpetual need to keep losing weight, to not do so was equal to failure. I was in my own mind, pathetic. While there were millions of people starving around the world, I saw my world crumbling because I had put on a kilo! Only a fellow anorexic could understand the calamity of gaining so much as a gram of weight. Only a fellow anorexic would feel the joy of getting through the day eating only an apple.
Devising ways to avoid eating meals becomes a way of life for an anorexic. Eating out at restaurants and visiting friends becomes a constant nightmare. Fooling people into thinking that you have eaten is a talent only serious anorexics master. An anorexic can go for years without being discovered.
This was my life as an eighteen year old. Being an anorexic is similar to being an alcoholic. there is no cure. A person who is anorexic has to want to follow a road to recovery. They do not want to be kicked along by well meaning people. These people think they know who you are, what you feel, but they have not even glimpsed the complex make-up of an anorexics mind.
Psychologists categorise anorexics. They believe anorexics are high achievers who are pushed by their parents to achieve perfection. My parents had never made me feel the need to be perfect. I was just an average girl, who, as an overweight child, was continually chided and teased by other children for being fat. Instead of living life as a misfit, I decided to conform to society’s ideals. So I dieted. This was the beginning of my trip down the road to destruction. Each kilo I lost was greeted with a pat on the back from others. This adulation gave me a sense of satisfaction and worthiness.
The anorexic mentality is always within easy reach. As I said before, there is no cure for anorexia, just careful management to keep it in line. It has been many years since being thin was the most important thing in my life. To this day my brain calculates calories. I still get an adrenaline rush every time I lose a kilo. I was lucky, maturity set in. The responsibility of having children has prevented me from falling back into the anorexic routine of missing meals and sticking my finger down my throat to make myself vomit. I still feel guilty when I eat foods high in calories. The days that show a weight gain on the scales are the days I act as if I have a personality disorder. I am irritable and hard to get along with on these days. Seeing protruding bones when I look in mirror would still give me a buzz. Anorexia will always be present within me. It will always be a part of my psyche.
