THE MONSTERS IN MY HEAD

What would become of me I wondered, as the fear gripped the inner sanctions of my soul. The air surrounding me saturated with the urgency I felt to remove myself from the danger that had become my life. My fear making everything more dangerous. They could smell it. The energy my body generated, just fed their ego.It made them more confident in their ability to overcome me. Looking over my shoulder I could see them gaining. The distance between them and me becoming less with each passing moment. It was time to move. Jumping from my hiding space, I sprang into action. Like a long lost friend, my brain and feet re-connected. Speed became my friend. The monsters were big and cumbersome, I was small and nimble. Accelerating at lightening speed, wrapped in the energy oozing from every pore of my body. I ran and ran and ran until I could run no more. But, what was this, nothing behind me.They had given up, realising I was not such and easy target after all. Or maybe there were never any monsters. A creation of my fear, conjured up in retaliation to the conflict within my soul.

fiona r

Before Caitlyn Jenner there was Carlotta.

Caitlyn Jenner’s story has highlighted the plight of transgender people. She has increased awareness and allowed the world to see that they are no different to any other man or woman. We see Caitlyn Jenner and applaud her bravery at coming out to the world. She has become a spokeswoman for the transgender community. But before Caitlyn Jenner there was Carlotta. An amazing woman who came out in an era of non-acceptance and prejudice. To me, she is the hero. Carlotta says it must have been hard for Caitlyn, having been an Olympian, and American sports hero, to turn around and say,

“You know what, i’m actually a woman”.

However, it would have been decidedly more difficult for Carlotta. Her coming out was constantly thwarted in the conservative atmosphere of Australia in the 60’s and early 70’s. Whereas Caitlyn had her family and community support, Carlotta’s mother was unsupportive, her father all but disowned her and she was forced to undergo “shock therapy”. Wires were attached to her while she was forced to look at pornographic pictures , to try and “cure” her. Barbaric treatment of a person who just wanted to be the woman she was born to be.

The decision would have been  difficult for Caitlyn Jenner to make. Once she made that decision though, things came together for her, much easier than it was for Carlotta.Caitlyn Jenner is high profile. Her coming out was marketed, right down to the Vanity Fair cover.  Caitlyn had magazines waiting to do her make-up and hair and she was made “image ready” to be a cover girl. Talk shows were fighting over her first interview, giving her a platform to bring about awareness of the difficulties she had to overcome in her coming out, and of course she had the support of the public.

Caitlyn, as Bruce Jenner was already a celebrity from her Olympic achievements. She was placed 10th in the decathlon during the 1972 Olympic games in Munich. In 1976, Jenner won gold at the decathlon at the Montreal Olympics. Jenner then became a member of the Kardashian phenomena. Being famous already, Caitlyn had so much more to lose than Carlotta, but at the same time she had a much easier time of it due to the support she had, the era she lived in and the money available to her.

Carlotta on the other hand had less to lose. Carlotta, born Richard Byron, began her career as a member of cabaret show, Les Girls , in Kings Cross Sydney.The world was not watching her. there was no internet to persecute her and document her every move. Physically becoming a woman was more difficult for Carlotta. When Carlotta began drug treatment, the treatments were experimental and expensive, and the side effects unknown. After her gender reassignment which was a very new procedure at the time and riskier, the results were not guaranteed to be what she expected.

Caitlyn’s coming out was made to look so easy. Deceptive even. Photoshopped Vanity Fair covers, designer clothing, possibly even plastic surgery. A normal transgender person does not always have access to these luxuries.For a man becoming a woman, femininity is not as easily achieved as it appears for Caitlyn. Just as we are deceived by the true looks of models in a magazine, we are deceived by the femininity of Caitlyn Jenner. Transgender women could feel disappointment at not being able to live up to the idea of Caitlyn Jenner after seeing her pictures and photoshopped beauty. Carlotta is the real deal. Raw, beautiful, and proud. What you see is what you get. One can see Carlotta’s flaws and feel her difficulties,and admire them,without beautifying this already gorgeous woman.

Carlotta and Caitlyn Jenner are both brave women. Guiding the way to other transgender people afraid to be themselves. Carlotta though, overcame the obstacle that was a conservative, unmoving 60’s society. Carlotta I applaud your tenacity and resilience. How hard you fought to be true to yourself. Caitlyn Jenner had a yellow brick road. Carlotta had quicksand. Carlotta stood alone. Caitlyn was surrounded by an entourage. Both send the message to always be true to yourself.

Missing wedding guests.

When my daughter was married a few weeks ago, my thoughts for awhile went to those loved ones who were missing from this beautiful occasion. People who should have been there, people who loved Lauren. 

My father adored Lauren, his first Grandchild. The day she was born you could not wipe the smile off his face as he looked down at the little pink bundle in his arms. When she was a toddler he would carry chocolates around in his pocket, not unlike the Pied Piper. He would take her to The Entrance to see the pelicans , and buy her ice cream. He would sing her out of tune songs and read her stories. He would tell her way out absurdities which made her constantly laugh out loud. At Christmas he would make her wear crazy party hats. He watched her graduate from high school and saw her finish university. Dad met Ryan and gave his nod of approval. He is not here to see his beloved Granddaughter marry. The Granddaughter who would hold his hand as she jumped waves at the beach and who he would lay on the sand for hours building sand castles. Lauren, Pa Pa would have been so proud of you on your wedding day.

Elizabeth was my best friend, my partner in crime. She made me laugh. She truly got me. We worked together in the bank . We learnt we were pregnant over a bundle of $20 notes. I was so sure she was having a boy that I stole the girls name she had chosen. A very uncool thing to do. We walked the rocky road of new babies together. Breastfeeding over “Days of our Lives”. Her home became my home and vice versa. When we were old and widowed we had planned to buy town houses next door to each other to live out the rest of our days. Her son Matthew and Lauren became firm friends. Elizabeth watched Lauren grow up. We laughed about Lauren and Matthew marrying. Agreeing and joking that it could never happen as she was Catholic and I Anglican. When I was neurotic, which was quite often, she empathised. When we felt the world hated us, we realised that it didn’t matter, we had each other.

Whenever there was a federal election we would have dinner together and discuss the outcome. Often ending with Matthew and Lauren arguing, both having strong political views. I miss those dinners. We sat and cried over Princess Diana’s funeral. When I visited Diana’s grave I thought of Elizabeth. She would have enjoyed the fact I visited Althorpe. 

She never laughed at my absurd behaviours. As our children grew and we returned to work , we saw less of each other. Our connection was always there. Often I would be thinking about her and the phone would ring. It would be Elizabeth. We would pick up where we left off when we saw each other, and always we would laugh, always. Matthew took Lauren to his Year 10 formal, they will always be good friends. Matthew was at Lauren’s wedding. Elizabeth should have been there too. To share the love and excitement. I wanted her there. I miss my friend. She was the only person to truly understand me and my complexities. 

These two important people were missing from Lauren’s wedding to Ryan. In spirit they were partying with us. Participating in the day that was shared with all that we love and cherish. I’m sure my Dad would have wanted to give a speech at the wedding. He loved speeches. Elizabeth would have cried along with me.

We assume all too often that loved ones are going to be around to celebrate milestone events in our lives. It is not until they are not around that we realise the non-permanence of their presence in our lives. Always be mindful and grateful for the gift of loving people in our lives.

A NEW PET.....PERHAPS....

Love them or hate them, this blog is about my love affair with snakes. Snakes in my opinion have been given an unfair rap, and all because Eve was a temptress. Seriously, i'm glad the snake whispered sweet nothings into Eves ear. Life would be pretty boring if she hadn't.

Is it because snakes are poisonous that they are so feared? Or maybe because they are carnivorous and quietly sneak up behind you. I find their cool, elongated bodies and beady black eyes rather mesmerising.The seductive slide of their body as they creep silently across the ground reminds me of a super model walking the catwalk. Confident, powerful and beautiful. Exuding an air of grace and sophistication.

Snakes in movies and literature have always been portrayed as insidious vessels of evil. Damn you Adam and Eve! Nagini in Harry Potter, Kaa in the Jungle Book and even Mara in Doctor Who perpetuates an evil persona. Maybe it is the ice cold blood running through their veins that have them depicted as devious monsters. I know a lot of warm blooded animals who create havoc and terror amongst the population. But I digress. When a person says one thing and means another he is said to be speaking with a forked tongue. I've never seen a dishonest snake. In fact what you see is what you get . A snake will only attack if threatened.

Sexual innuendos is also a cross that the poor snake must bear. How often do you hear of a penis being referred to as a trouser snake. Yes a snake is phallic in appearance and has a slippery, sliding demeanor, well maybe this comparison should be taken in its stride and accepted as a  compliment.

I want a pet snake (hear that Wayne Renshaw)I want to look in its beady little eyes. Have its cool shimmering body wrap itself around me and hug the life out of me. Like Salma Hayek in "Till Dusk till Dawn."If not I will have to continue my love affair with snakes from afar.